01 March 2009

Some General Remarks On Bars With An Account Of A Meeting With A Grizzly

When Crockett’s Tavern was a complete dining experience and had a full menu, the restaurant took every chance it could to present more about the stories of Davy Crockett. Crockett’s Tavern Menu served a double purpose, as the menu and as the headlining Crockett Almanac. While the menu was filled with palate tempting items such as Santa Ana’s Chips and Dips Mexicana, Gullywhumper, Busted Luck’s Buffalo Burger, “Namaycush” Sauteed Lake Trout, and Berry Patch Shortcake, the front covered was devoted to some words of wisdom straight from Davy Crockett, which came complete with Crockett’s vernacular and idioms. Today’s Back Issues takes a look at Davy Crockett’s Some General Remarks On Bars With An Account Of A Meeting With A Grizzly.

"The best advice I kin give ya bout bars is ta leave em alone. They’re mostly solitary creatures, timid an unsociable, an they won’t fight ya unless ya start it.

"Now ya take black bars. Black bars are the ms consarndest robbers they ever was. They’ll steal anything that ain’t nailed down, an lots of things that are. An don’t think ya kin fool em by hidin gear up in a tree. Those beasts jest wrap their strong arms round a tree an up they go, paw over paw. They come back down the same way, likely with yer supper tucked inta their innards.

"Black bars are pesky enough, what with their foragin fer yer food an messin round campsites, but they ain’t a patch on a grizzly for real deep drawed excitement. Just ta start with, grizzlies are much bigger an heaps stronger. They got much longer claws, an they’re mean as a polecat with the ten-year mange.

"Once’t I was vagabondizin round the prairie huntin buffalo. I crept up on one grazin in the rushes at the edge of a river. The out jumps a great grizzly, big as Congress Hall, an belts that buffalo one terrifacious blow. May I be kicked ta death by a grasshopper if he didn’t scare that buffalo haft a death and sent him skidaddlin.

"I didn’t somehow think that bar done the right thing, for that was the only buffalo I’d see all day, so I jest up and confronted that mister.

"Well, that old bar jest walked up ta within about fifteen feet of me as big as ya please an jest sat down an commenced givin me the dirtiest look ya ever did see.

"Well, I jest started starin right back at him with the biggest grin I could muster on this face. It jest plum confused the daylights out of that grizzly, but after a few minutes he comes ta his senses an starts after me like a locomotive gone mad. I gave em a sogdologer over his haid with the barrel of Ole Betsy but he kept comin til he pitched both me an hisself inta the river. Lucky fer me, I didn’t lose hold of Ole Betsy, an when he came up fer air, I clabbed the barrel right across his snoot ta shove his face under water. I’ll be shot with a packsaddle if that ridiculous fool didn’t clap both paws on the ends of that barrel an pull away. I had nothing ta do but hold on ta the stock an float alongside of him till he jest plum wore out an let go. Last I seen of him, he was scampering up the bank bout a quarter a mile down stream. Still, all in all he was a mighty lucky bar.

"I’m not tellin the least of a lie, fer every time I come upon a grizzly, I’ll stome him dead in his tracks with one of my bar grins. Ya know, there are only two good things I kin think of bout a grizzly. There ain’t so many of them, an they’re too big ta climb a tree."

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